Of Old Karma and Forgiving

It's been a while I wrote anything on the blog. To be honest, it's been a while I actually opened the blogger dashboard itself. I didn't because I had no urge to write anything. Call it creative block or whatever, I just really really had no word in me fighting to come out. But today is different. Today I am back here because I really wish to say something. Words are awake in me, after a long hibernation. Today I am going to help them come out and reach the world. As always, I hope they do reach wherever they are meant to. Whomsoever that needs a little help from an unknown stranger on the multiverse of internet, I am here for you. My words will keep you company. (Old disclaimer: I always write from the heart. ALWAYS.)

Those who have been following my posts for a long time are well aware how frustrated, and hateful I can get at times. Sometimes I read my old posts and cringe at my expression of resentment. Breakup? The guy was a jerk. Friendship gone wrong? They were never my friends. Job sucks? Let's abuse the boss. Bad at handling life? My parents' fault. And the list goes on and on. But you get the gist. I am always finding some way or other to justify and victimize my sorry ass. But is it OK do that ALL THE FUCKING TIME??????

Simple answer. No, it's so fucking not. Period. Yes, bad things happen. Yes, there are bad people out there, people with bad intentions about you. Yes true, it's not always possible to filter them out. You will get hurt. You will make mistakes. You will fall down. But then it's part of life. Light is there because of darkness. God has no divinity in the absence of evil. Your happiness is of no value until you have been through shit and still made it. So why the fuck bother? Why hold resentment? Why hold grudges? Why not shake off all the dirt and dust and look life in the eye and say, "Listen dude, I know you are hardly ever fair. But guess what, I forgive you." And bloody MEAN it.

I recall I wrote a really depressing, negative post during the last Mercury retrograde. It was full of fuck yous and fuck offs.Well, another retrograde season is going on currently and this time I chose to take a different stance. Why? Well, read on.

Today I was taking an evening stroll on the rooftop. It was full moon yesterday. The early evening moon today was looking all big and red and sombre. I was staring at it when all of a sudden an epiphany hit me. I realised I had been wondering "WHY ME" for years and years but never had I ever asked "WHY NOT ME". And even though I knew the answer was going to hit me in the face like a ton of bricks I took a deep breath and with trepidation in my heart I whispered to myself, "But dear, why not you?"

The floodgate was open. There was no turning back from this.

WHY NOT ME???? How many times in my life I have done/wished things to others that I wouldn't want to happen to me? Many fucking times. How many times I acted in the most selfish manner just in order to achieve some petty short term objective? Many times. How many times I have screwed over people who cared about me? Quite a number of times. Truth to be told, I have been a terrible, manipulative, selfish person many a times in my life. I have said and done things I should NOT have done. I have hurt people I should NOT have. I have manipulated people for such cheap, petty reasons that could have been avoided completely. Sometimes I even acted mean for absolutely no goddamn reason. And I am so vain that I tried to act that I was a morally upright person while I was not so much the same underneath. Honestly? I have been a total hypocrite all this time.

You know what happens when you hold or act upon your negative emotions for a long time? It consumes your soul. It entraps you in the loop of bad karma in such way that you can never get out of those patterns. Bad things keep on happening to you. You become more paranoid and resentful. More bad karma. More bad things. End result? You become a bitter, aloof, hateful person with a stupid blog at the farthest corner of internet. You rot because you deserve to rot.

I am no longer in touch with most of the people I have wronged or have wronged me. So I cannot reach them personally. I cannot sit and have one to one confession session with them. But I can try. Today I forgive those who have done wrong to me in the past. I seek forgiveness from the universe for all the times I have done bad shit to others or been the reason of pain to others. I have not been a completely good person and I am ashamed of my actions. Meanwhile today I release all those old petty grudges that have been holding me down all this time. I forgive you. UNCONDITIONALLY. And I mean all of it.

From today onward I pledge to be a better person. And I pledge to be working on it every single day till the day I die. I know there will be good days. There will be dark days. There will be good incidents. There will be incidents that will shatter me, or test my faith. But I pledge to be trying my best against all odds. I release my old pain and baggage to the universe. They are no longer any part of me. Amen.

Wish you all a very happy world kindness day.