Just Like That

So these days I don't feel like blogging much. Mostly because I am distracted by work and this void I am in. I think I am sad but I am not sure anymore. How can you know you are sad when that is more or less your natural state? On most evenings I go home and drown myself in alcohol. On some days it boosts euphoria; on some days I lay on the floor crying my fucking eyes out. 

I went for another haircut and this time I highlighted my hair in fiery red. Suits me I guess. Red is fire. Red is love. Red is the jealous rage I feel in my veins all the time. Red is what trickles off my wrist when the pain becomes too unbearable.

Lately I have begun to wonder if I am a psychopath. Everything about me is so damn superficial that sometimes it sends a chill down my very own spine. My smile, my apparent friendly disposition, and above all this facade I hold so dearly about giving a damn about people. Honestly speaking, I don't feel things anymore. I don't even know if I want to. I drink myself into oblivion so that I can forget about the void around me.

You must be thinking oh this girl is so lonely. You are right, and yet, you are not. I hate people. I can't put up with people at a stretch. Even though my bed is empty I don't want someone breathing down my neck. I don't want to share my toilet. Or my closet. I usually kick people out as soon as I am done with them. Nobody gets to stay in my house for free. Sometimes I picture my house as this monster who chews everyone out except for me.

Am I suicidal? I know, I live alone. I have no dearth of opportunity. I don't even have to shut my bedroom door because I am the sole occupant in my huge flat. I can just pick my own spot. People like me usually either end their life prematurely or become superhero. I am too coward to kill myself really. So I have no choice but to rely upon one of the spiders lurking about in my house. Maybe one of them would bite me and I would suddenly have a purpose to live again. I hope it happens soon because I am running out of reasons real fast.

Talking about superheroes, two weeks back I went for Ant-man and the Wasp. Movie was blah. The villain was blah. Everything was blah except for Evangeline Lilly kicking some serious ass. And I finally realised why Catherine Zeta Jones had married Micheal Douglas. That dude has got some serious swag.