My Zodiac Story

Let's begin with two disclaimers. One, all the observations are purely based on my personal experiences. Don't take them seriously. Human nature is like Economics model. No matter how many conditions you hold ceteris paribus, no matter how many assumptions you make beforehand, it will inevitably fail in practice. Two, I am no psychic. I do possess uncanny intuitions at times but I don't want to make a fool of myself. (I guess I am maxed out.) And people with incurable anxiety should never try to venture into a territory that mostly deals with the unknown. I am not here to predict anything. I just really love to bitch about people. So let's begin.

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There are twelve zodiac signs in the cycle that represents the eternal cycle of life -- birth to death. Aries is the first sign that denotes the beginning of life and Pisces denotes the end. It's funny that the cycle begins with a fire element sign and ends with a water one. I will here start from the bottom. Not only because I have a weird fascination towards death but also I don't want to start with a hate speech. Here I should mention one point. A person's nature doesn't solely depend upon their sun sign. The moon sign and the ascendant also matter very much. And sometimes some other aspects in their chart. So is the decan of their birth date. For example, having a Mars in Scorpio can make a person quite formidable no matter what their sun sign is. My sun is in Sagittarius and moon is in Capricorn. So you can say there is always a tug of war in my life between the most fun planet and the most sombre one -- the Jupiter and the Saturn. And at the end of the day I contradict myself so much sometimes I question my own sanity. So you can say my moral compass never exactly points to the north. And for the record, Sagittarius is my most favourite sign of the Zodiac. There's no one better than the eccentric archer.

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Pisces: Pisces is a water sign. Water signs are famous for their sensitive side. This Neptune ruled sign is no exception. However the only Pisces I used to know was an opportunist, pervy coward. The kind of people who appear to be all polite and sensitive but would try to slip a hand inside your top when you are drunk. And then sulk about it for days if you kick their ass later on. Neptune is a planet that represents mysticism. I am afraid I never saw anything mystical neither about the guy nor his phone full pornography. I guess I am yet to meet a true Piscean.

Aquarius: Even though Aquarius is water bearer, it's an air sign. Intelligent. Extremely emotionally detached. Allergic to drama. Can appear cold and heartless at times. But can be very reliable. An Aquarius won't comfort you with mushy talks but will somehow stand by you if you need them. Aquarius traits can often coincide with the fire signs ones due to their common outdoorsy, freedom loving nature. But never mistake an air for a fire or vice versa. Flip side of the water bearer? Could be very stingy and cheap. Enough to make the Jupiter sign cringe.

Capricorn: Asshole alert. Capricorns will win the most megalomaniac sign of the zodiac award. They suffer from great superiority complex and think the rest of the world will never fail to cater to their needs. I knew two Capricorn guys; both of them got serious ass kicking from me in the end. You don't ever dare take a Sagittarius for granted. One of my best friends is in head over heels for a Capricorn which I am still not sure about. Capricorns are bossy, not Taurus like bossy though. The mountain goat assumes in life that they are above all and the situation will always bend in their favour. Their ruling planet is Saturn so that makes them very money minded and practical. Yes they could be dependable; but would you want to sell you soul in exchange for a piece of security? My Capricorn moon affects my thought process to some extent but thank god my Jupiter side always wins the battle.

Sagittarius: Ah. Ruled by the king of the gods. Gregarious. Life of the party. (Not always in literal sense. But you can never ignore a Sag in fact. Even if it's an introverted, shy one.) Explorer. Always aiming their arrows high at some unseen objective. Big time dreamer. Optimistic to a hopeless extent. Extremely allergic to sissy people. Hates inauthenticity. Tactless asshole. Usually not the vindictive type but piss them off and you will never be off their hit-list. Flirtatious. Commitment phobic. But not the unfaithful type like an Aries. A Sag can die for you if they care about you. After all their life is all about finding their one, big purpose on planet Earth. Bite more than they can chew. Jupiter is an exaggerator and so is Sagittarius. They are not liars though. They just make promises in the spur of the moment which they will inevitably fail to keep due to its sheer absurdity. They are loving, kind, generous people but don't ever assume they will love you more than their own freedom. A Sag is nothing without their freedom.

Scorpio: The most vindictive, venomous sign of the zodiac. Some say they are ruled by Mars, some say it's Pluto. But bottom line is same. Never ever mess with a Scorpio. They can make your life hell. Not to mention the water element makes them terribly sensitive. So it's a dangerous combo. My brother is a Scorpio sun and Leo moon. I know what a huge pain in the ass he can be if he wishes to. It only gets easier due to the biological connection between us. That doesn't apply for my one ex who was a Scorpio sun and my last fiasco who was a Taurus sun and Scorpio ascendant. Talk about poison in life. My best friend's father is a Scorpio too and we all are fed up with him. On a positive note, they are very devoted. Until they are not.

Libra: Air. Ruled by Venus. People say Librans are very flirtatious but I am yet to see one. I have a different observation though. Obsessive stalker. It could be days, or months, or years. A Libra guy will keep chasing his object of affection (read obsession) with unfaltering devotion. Until or unless they are shooed away or shut off. Being chased by a lover for years? Someone's overly caring presence making you uncomfortable? 90% chance it's a Libra. And this single bad trait offsets all the good ones.

Virgo: Systematic. Meticulous. Loner. (True to their name). In one word. Boring. And yet, they are my second most favourite sign. (Excluding Sag in the list here) Reason? Virgos are dependable as hell. They are not obsessive. Not domineering. They are the most devoted, kind, funny, gentle people out there. Virgos are as good as Taurus and Cancer without all the annoying traits of the two.

Leo: Proud af. And yet not like a fucking Capricorn. Leos are ruled by the sun. Even though they can be a little overwhelming at times a Leo is never truly a shady person. Unless they have a Gemini or Scorpio or Capricorn influence in their chart.

Cancer: Cancer is the perpetual moonchild. Extremely attached to family and roots. Most helpful friend. Devoted partner. A Cancer would never cheat on you. That's a guarantee. And yet, some immature, still stuck in puberty type Cancer can be whiny and clingy as fuck. So clingy that you would want to bitch-slap the crap out of them. (At least if you are a fire sign.)

Gemini: Garrulous. (Ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication. Even though Virgo is Mercury ruled too, yet they are wise when it comes to opening their mouth.) Fucking two-faced. Judgemental as if everyone's life is their fucking business. Evil as hell at times. Nicest person on earth the next. Whimsical af. One word of caution from a first-hand sufferer. Never trust a Gemini. Be fake and maintain safe distance from them and you will be just fine. (I will change my opinion once I meet a Gemini who is not a quarrelsome, back-stabbing prick.)

Taurus: Ahem. Earth sign. Ruled by Venus. Very loyal. Grounded. Opinionated. Pragmatic. Sometimes they will remind you of dinosaurs. And remember, there were Brontosaurus as well as T-Rex. Taurus are so stubborn that sometimes people need to die in order to change their perspective. They will dominate your ass like it's nobody's business. And yet, there is something inexplicably pure and fuzzy in all that; unlike Capricorn bullshit. I have had life's worst and the best experiences from Taurus. And they will always be my most favourite sign. No one will ever love you like a Taurus (not even a soppy Cancer), even if they deny loving you at all.

Aries: There's a reason why I started from the bottom you see. And the reason is, Aries. Have you ever seen a baby? Always getting it's own way no matter what. Now implant that innocent stubbornness on a full-grown adult. The result will be Aries. Ruled by Mars. The most unfaithful, selfish bastards of the zodiac. Actually I swallow my own words. Even Geminis are better than Aries. Aries doesn't give fuck about other people's feelings, or values. They do as they please. They always have some justification for the sin they are about to commit. Aries are most likely to cheat on their partners. Or do something immensely unfaithful. Never count on an Aries, you will be fucked. And they do it without feeling any remorse. Aries basically represents all the vices in the world that give temporary pleasure. Alcohol, drugs, illicit affairs. So party with an Aries as much as you want. It will be FUN. But never invite them home. They are not worth it. 

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