End and Beginning

It is 31^st afternoon and I have just opened the word file. I have exactly nine hours and five minutes until I publish this post. Well it shouldn’t be taking more than three hours though; it’s only a year. Or is it? Should I sit and evaluate 2017 only? Or is it a big package deal of last four years? Astrologically speaking, it should be three years, not four. It was December, 2014 when Saturn, the god of Karma entered my sign Sagittarius. And it’s been a long, tiresome journey. 2015. 2016. 2017. Three years of struggles, despair, broken dreams, and broken promises. Nights were very long at times. There were times when I wanted to just shut my eyes and get it over with. But Saturn made sure I stayed wide awake and counted every second of clock ticking away until the sun came up. It was shit painful. And I will be carrying signs of it on my skin for the rest of my life. A cosmic reminder of the time when Karma himself paid me a visit. And 2017 was the year when I had my first Saturn return. Can you imagine how heavy it felt?? Even though I have an Earth sign in my moon and an air sign ascendant I know I am by all means, a true Sagittarius. I don’t carry baggage from my past. The moment something is over, it is fucking over. Unless, the universe asks me to wait before I close the chapter. Because sometimes endings are not truly endings. Promises of new beginning are hidden in them. I have experienced it with my life, many times. So don’t try to console me thinking I am a naïve fool.

Saturn might be the pain in the arse serious teacher, but at the end of the day I am someone ruled by the god of gregari-fucking-ousness Lord Jupiter. And Jupiter amplifies everything it touches. So just as my pain was excruciating, my happy times were euphoric. When I was happy, I was literally fucking 100% happy. And there were happy times in the past three years. There were many happy times in 2017. And oh boy, were they awesome! Saturn took away many things from me, and he gave me too. He gave me a promotion. He gave me a chance to run fucking away from home and start afresh. He gave me a home in the Himalayas. What more can I ask for? He gave me people – people who accepted me the way I am, people who believe in me, people who gave me new confidence. There were bad people too. Unforgiving people. Mean people. Angry people. Evil people. But in the end the universe has also given me the power to ignore them. Somehow I have come to realise that every single angry, mean person around us is actually deeply unhappy with themselves. Their filthy nature is nothing but a reflection of their self image inside their own head. Pity them, be nice to them. But never drag yourself to their standard. Even if your good effort may seem apparently wasted, you never know, it may come to their rescue someday. Good energies are never wasted. And I did not have to go attend any Vipassana course for this realisation. I guess no spiritual book or course can change who you really are. If you are good it will come out eventually. And there is no better spiritual journey than life’s hard times in order to bring out the best in you.

Intuition. People laugh at it. I have seen even someone incredibly stupid laughed at my faith in intuition and called me superstitious, BPD etc. As I said, I am learning not to throw shit back at stupid and mean people so I rather chose to keep my mouth shut and walk away from it. Maybe this too was a great lesson from the universe. Learning to choose your battle wisely. Some you fight back. Some you choose to give away. Some you walk away from at all cost. Because life is not always about winning. And sometimes losing can be winning too. It’s all perspective. It’s all relative. Even death is a very relative term if you think about it. And over past three years I have learned to rely upon my intuition more. I was proved right again on this very day. 2017 is ending, a big cycle is ending, and yet the universe chose to impart one last bit of wisdom on me on the very last day of the year.

Saturn is weird. After all this I have been through I can confess openly that I am shit scared of him. According to Greek Mythology he is one of the first Titans who swallowed his own kids. So yes, if you do something bad, Saturn will punish you. And I have been punished in last three years. Whenever I did something unethical, or I did something driven by some wrong intention I was punished immediately. The cycle of Karma was small, very small for me all this time. And somehow in the end I have learned to shed a huge chunk (not all, I am being honest here) of my vindictive or selfish nature. Saturn ended many things on my behalf. Many people left. Many friendships died in infancy. My life in Calcutta ended. And then so many things started. So many new people happened. So many new places I have seen. So many new experiences I have made. And most importantly, so many friends have come into my life. And old friendships strengthened.

And did I share the story of how I found my new 1bhk apartment? If that incident is a sign from the universe I wouldn’t be surprised at all. It was probably the last lesson by the Lord of Karma before he left my sign. And you won’t believe the date matches too. After almost three weeks of searching I had given up on finding anything. And yet I knew my time at the paying guest was up and my gut feelings were telling me that I was meant to find my own place soon. But still there was no sign of any good news. Adding insult to the injury came the last incident. I almost booked a place and they cancelled in the last moment. That night I went home and booked tickets to Calcutta. I was not sad about missing my first Christmas in Darjeeling. I was simply dreading to come back to the same paying guest room after my vacation was over. Next morning I headed for work having decided to apply for my last resort – government housing. I was climbing the stairs with a bitter heart and distracted mind when I saw it. A small cardboard sign. A place for rent. With two contact numbers written below. I stopped, took a picture of the sign and resumed for office. Mr. S was there in my chamber waiting for me. I straightaway handed him the numbers. He called the guy up. He invited us to come over. Honestly, I was not too eager. I have known disappointments way too much in my short life and I am not so fond of adding another inscription to that sarcophagus. And yet, ‘hope always stays alive for me.’ Literally. So I went. Saw the place. Had tea with the landlord. Paid him first month’s rent. I had just found my new home. And it took less than thirty minutes. After the formalities were done I stood on the sidewalk and looked at the mountains and just laughed for few minutes straight. “Why? Why such drama and last minute thrill o gods and planets?” “Why? But that’s what you have always asked for, think about it. You are the queen of adventure and anything that comes easy will never catch your fancy.” Have you ever had a conversation with the mountains, up and close? I tell you, those are million times more awakening than any of your goddamn spiritual book.

I don’t know which planets are behind this but my memory has become foggier over past three years. Things I had clung on to oh so dearly once are no longer in there in my mind. And I can’t emphasise more on how good that feels. As if I have been through a great cosmic cleansing. And that has taught me how important it is to let go. The magic lies within loving fiercely and staying detached at the same time. Love demands expansion and a person with a closed mind and small heart can never know love. Saturn has made me way more flexible than before. And he whiplashed the living shit out of me when I refused to obey his command. I resisted, my mind played tricks with me, and in the end I complied. I had to.

Another year is ending. A new year is always a second chance. To undo all the past mistakes. To get rid of all the shitty habits. No I am not going to join gym. And honestly as every past year, this year too I am shit clueless about what lies next. And as always I am excited about the adventure that awaits me. I told you, I have never taken life too seriously. God, you are going to die no matter what. So why not make your time worthwhile? Be less judgmental. Be more forgiving. Laugh more. Seek out the little joys and cherish them more. One can never be 100% happy in life. Life will never be perfect. Everything moves in circle in life, and so do joy and sorrow. Read some Buddha’s teachings. That dude knew how to chill. As for me, I am practicing awareness. Instead of fuelling anger I am trying to dissect the reasons behind it. Instead of being bogged down by sorrow I am learning how to make poetry out of it. Instead of returning filth with filth I am learning how to forgive those poor, troubled souls. And instead of worrying too much I am trying to turn my life into a colourful blogging journey. I know it’s all easier said than done. I know there will be days when I will be sprawling across the floor, drinking directly off the bottle and the wine and tears will make a cocktail in my mouth. But you see, being able to keep your hope alive when life trying to choke the fuck out of you is sometimes all you need to keep going. It's OK to have a few fucked up days; it's not the end of the world. And it doesn't mean you are mentally sick. We all are made of our blacks and whites. Don't let some stupid, shallow fool define your true worth. Never stop believing in what you believe in. The universe will bend itself backward to bring you what you are seeking.

Wish you all a very happy 2018. Keep the hope alive. J