Of Being an HSP and Sadness

I am a sad person. Not sad as in pathetic. Like, ohh that is so sad, I feel so sorry for her. But sad as in, full of sorrow. You take away anxiety, take away fear, and take away the apparent bitchiness. All that will remain is that sadness. Like some sort of melancholy entwined with my whole existence since the time before I was I, but someone else, some other sentient being. You might have looked at my social media profile; some of you might have stalked me and wondered why this girl sounds so morbid and occasionally creepy at times? Well yeah, if sadness is my deep rooted prevailing state then creepiness is my second identity. I entertain myself with that aspect of my personality. And like most people out there, I am hardly ever apologetic of showing my deepest, darkest, truest nature to others. I know that makes you uncomfortable. That makes you hate me. More often than not people hate me in a weird way. Most people stand at a distance and look at me like an enigma and conclude while leaving, oh what a fucking bitch she is! Well, I am flattered. The last thing I wish for in this disgusting hellhole of a society is, to fit in with the crowd. To become a 'good girl'. And I am fully aware of the cost of being ‘different’. A lifetime of loneliness. Bad relationships. Heartbreaks. Sitting in a corner looking at the whole world, feeling misunderstood and isolated.

You might wonder, is she so morbid due to heartbreak? Is she so desperate to find validation in the eyes of some stupid man despite her feminist, independent nature? Well, I wouldn’t say that’s a totally unfair question. I have been through plenty of heartbreaks. Some insensitive, ‘sanskari’ judgmental jerk might take that statement as my confession of being a whore in the past. First of all, even if I were a whore that’s nobody’s fucking business. Were you there when I was drinking myself into temporary oblivion? Or when I was slicing my skin open? If not, then shut the bloody fuck up. You have no goddamn right to judge me. But honestly, heartbreak has such a vast definition for me. Have you never had a heartbreak owing to a broken family? Or a shitty high school? Lack of friends? Lack of people who actually understood you? Or was it simply your lack of your social skill to mingle with the society? Were you ‘different’ since your very childhood? Were you too sensitive? Did other people’s misery make you bleed in silence? Were you the one who was scared of visiting the local temple because you were too afraid to see beggars sitting with infants in their laps? How old were you that time? Five? Six? Did you not go to the rooftop and cry for those poor kids because you used to work yourself up thinking how those little babies would survive on the street in such harsh cold weather? Yes, you are indeed a whore because there have been more than one man in your life whose shit you fell for and they left you. Every single fucking time. Ohh but why didn’t you try to meditate?

No. I don’t carry a ocean of sorrow in my heart owing to some shit fuckall man I hardly even remember the face of. I am a woman. I have a vagina. I am capable of planting the seed of some man in my body and create a new life from it. Some stupid, insensitive man can never be the reason of my sadness. None of them ever deserved that much power or respect. They were just people who think with the thing between their legs, nothing more. They were dogs sans all dogly virtues. I am sad because it’s my second nature. I love being sad. Sad is what gives me comfort. Sad is what makes me creative. Had I not been sad I would never have started this blog and continued it for so long. My most stable commitment till date, this one.

I am sad because I am a deep person in this shallow world. And any day, any day, I would accept the sight of my old my own blood trickling from my own skin than taking part in your mindless party of aimless celebration of a soulless life that you mistake for happiness in this whole illusion of impermanence and misery of rebirth. I believe that is your destiny in this life. And I am OK here with mine.