Lately I am going through something I have never experienced
before in my entire life so far. A state of absolute disconnection. As if some
magical fairy creature swished the wand and put all the chaos to sleep all of
a sudden. At first I was quite shocked at my state of composure. After all I am
someone who has both GAD and BPD. Freaking out over nothing is my signature
move. How could I possibly be so calm and nonchalant? Ok here goes the
confession. I freaked out for a bit for not freaking out. I thought I had
turned into one of those empty shell people who give up on feeling anything after
being screwed over repeatedly. Then I thought I could be heading for a delayed
reaction fiasco. It took me some time to realize it was none of the cataclysmic
scenarios I was fancying in my head. I am no longer wailing up reading sad
tumblr poetry. I am no longer having morning periods. I am no longer having
anxiety attacks. Rather I am laughing at good jokes. I am taking care of my
dogs again. I am enjoying a good movie again. Hell yeah I am shopping again! So
no, there is no way in hell I have gone empty. I have somehow learned the trick
to kick the negative feelings out of my life. And the best part is I am no
longer a slave to my fucked up emotions anymore. The quotient of my well-being
has suddenly become an independent variable with the correlation coefficient of
zero with respect to other people, especially useless bunch of assholes. I have never felt this liberated in years.
Why can’t we let go of something when we know it is the most
important and perhaps the healthiest thing to do? It is the easiest yet the
toughest decision to make. People say there is no point living in the past. They
are correct. But at the same time your own past can give you the best of wisdom
that no other source in the world can do. Be it your god, or a new lover or a
great book – nothing can open your eyes like the inherent nature of your most
innate self that has shaped itself through years of journey. As for
me, my moment of impact arrived when I realized how in the past I wanted so
many things that life refused to give me and later I felt immensely grateful
for every loss, every disappointment that inevitably led me to my next great
adventure. And how relieved it made me feel for not getting what I had thought I could not live without.
Still, the fight is on. There are flashing moments when the
bad feelings are creeping back and knocking the breath out of me. But what’s
life without a little bit of struggle eh? Even if it is just in one’s head. To be
honest I have never been this clueless about my life before. And yet this is
the first time I am fully enjoying the rush of excitement of walking down the
dark tunnel. Perhaps I have never really surrendered myself to the unknown
before. I had no idea until now that there
is so much fun in letting go. The universe has finally succeeded teaching me
humility. That I do not have the slightest control over my life. All I can do
is appreciate the present and enjoy the journey. And no one more than I know
how much emphasis I put on the journey than the goal itself. I am that forever
explorer who is always looking for some far reaching unconquered treasure without
having any proper idea of what it is or how to reach there. Because the fun lies with the adventure,
not with going home with the prize. And life always gives you exactly what you
are made for.
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