Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

"You are not brave. 
  Men are brave."

Well, Batman has said it. End of the story. Go home Superman.

After having a shitty week when I was feeling quite blue at the mere thought of going back to the hellhole also known as my office, S literally kicked my ass and dragged me out to watch some VFX-ed action-packed moments between the Dark Knight and er.. The princess of Krypton. To be honest, I just wanted to watch Superman get beaten up by Batman – black and blue. And it was going well, before some ‘mere paas maa hai’ type moments popped up and totally burst the bubble of my sadistic bliss.

The movie is long. Really long. And it is so dark and gloomy. Come on. Loki tried to invade and colonise earth with a bunch of robotic dudes from the outer space and yet it was a happy movie. And here, crazy Lex Luthor just wants to put Batman and Superman into a fight and everyone loses their mind. No one even cracks a joke in the entire movie.

Superman is always sad in the movie, except the time when he has sex with Lois Lane in the bathtub. Ok, fair enough. He goes into a bout of depression because people of the city have stopped worshipping him as a superhero saviour of the mankind. So he disappears without even telling his live-in girlfriend. Oh what a sissy prick. Just like my boyfriend. However there is one question about the whole saga of Superman that would never stop bugging me. How is it possible that none of the colleagues of Clark Kent has ever noticed the uncanny resemblance between Kent and Superman? I mean, seriously, how? Spiderman wears a mask at least. So does Batman. But all Superman does is change his hairstyle. Remember that curly fringe? And every time he floats down with an unconscious person on his lap, his shining cape flying in slow motion in all its glory, I couldn’t help recalling that unforgettable line from Andaz Apna Apna. Gogo ji, aapka ghagra!

Superman has a babysitter in this movie. Lois Lane. They always look at each other with a smitten, soppy, romantic look to acknowledge their love for each other. And even if Superman is practically invincible on planet earth, Lane’s lovelorn eyes only look for her lover amidst any mayhem, even a bomb blast. Who cares about a bunch of dead people if my alien boyfriend is safe? On the other hand, Superman has nothing else to do but to save his girlfriend’s sweet ass every now and then. Again, who cares about a few collateral damage as long I get to have sex in the bathtub? Bad people (just like me) would say that oh yeah just because you don’t get to have sex with your boyfriend in the bathtub (or get to have sex at all) you are cribbing like a little bitch about it. Yes perhaps. But it’s very annoying to sit through a soppy love story when I went to watch an action movie in the first place. And I have always hated Amy Adams as Lois Lane. God knows why, but her face pisses me off.

When it was first announced that Ben Affleck would play Batman, the entire fan clan went berserk on social media for a prolonged period of time. It was hard to picture the inconspicuous, gentleman-looking CIA agent of Argo as Batman. Even I was quite cynical. But I am always cynical about pretty much everything. However, Ben is not half as bad as Batman here. Although he lacks the suave charm of Christian Bale. He is older, beefier and somewhat sexier in that humongous Batsuit of his. I applauded when he called Superman a 'clown'. But no one can play Alfred better than Michael Caine. Period. Here the Alfred serves Batman coffee as well as fixes his gadgets. And rest of the time speaks with a very rigid, sombre expression on his face that would annoy the hell out of you.

Jesse Eisenberg is Lex Luthor, Superman's archenemy. I did not quite understand Lex Luthor's agenda here. He tries too hard to look like a crazy, villainous guy and gets on your nerves. He speaks, walks, laughs like our very own ShahRukh Khan. At one point I was even half expecting Jesse to scream out ‘'K-K-K-Kent'’. He probably wants to be the Joker and James Moriarty at the same time. Ambition is good, but there is a fine line between touching the sky and making a complete fool of yourself.

Wonder Woman is hot. And by hot, I mean hot. However, she has very limited scope in the movie. But we can expect the franchisee would come up with more sequels with more screentime for the other DC comics superheroes other than the alien in red underwear.

But the question is, does Dawn of Justice settle the debate of Batman v Superman? Or does it ignite it even more? Well, personally for me, there is no debate. There never was. To me, the billionaire, philanthropic, loner of Gotham is a much worthier and braver man that an alien who was simply born with superpowers. And Justice League is just a fancy name for 'Batman and His Bitches'.

Oh yeah baby