Selective Amnesia

Something very weird happened last month. I got message from an old acquaintance I had lost touch with few years ago. Actually I lost touch with many people since I closed my facebook account, and I did that on purpose. So technically, I have been living in a state of self-imposed exile for quite some time. I cannot say that I miss those people though. Well, I hated, despised, loathed most of them and I cut them off voluntarily. This helped me de-clutter my life and I am now left with only those who really matter. Having one's heart torn into pieces does make one wiser.

So anyway, even if I have almost vanished from the so-called social platform, some people still somehow find a way to reach me. It would be quite obvious to say that all these 'enthusiastic' people are quite inevitably, male. I know this guy from the days of my (highly unfortunate) tryst with a famous business school of India. He was one of those many who had no other job but to pursue women around them with the very obvious intention. To get into their knickers.

He found me out from a good for nothing professional social media network where I still maintain an account, Lord knows why. However, when he looked quite different in his profile picture, it felt a little odd. I mean, how could a person's face change so drastically in 3-4 years? Ok, maybe it's because he has shaved his beard and wearing a formal suit. But still. Although I responded to his message, the weird face/off issue kept bugging me in the back of my mind. However, at that time I was busy with my own project and I hardly had any time to ponder over this petty, albeit very weird issue.

Mind functions in the most strangest of manners, especially the goddamn subconscious. Especially MY goddamn subconscious, to be more precise. My fucking mind is always at work and picking up smallest of things and poking at me even when I have that bold 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign hanging out. So one night when I was going to bed, a realisation suddenly hit me out of nowhere and the whole 'face/off' issue became quite clear to me. He was not who I had thought he was.

All this time, I was thinking of him as someone else. Actually, I knew both of the guys, but got totally confused after this long time. And the weirdest part is, even if I do remember this guy's name, I cannot remember anything of the conversations that I probably quite regularly used to have with him.

Now my readers, I know some of you might think I am quite a bad girl and I am not even denying that. I can be one hell of a bad girl if I feel like. And even if I don't want to be bad, the universe somehow finds a way to turn me into one. The universe wants me to be bad. But this seemed more like amnesia to me. And as I am writing this post, I still have not recovered any part of the memory of him that I might have lost permanently.

Besides being bad, I am also the typical Sagittarian girl who never knows when to shut up and how to dial it down. I quite bluntly told him that I had totally forgotten anything about him and could not remember any of it. Yes, I am a bad girl who is also a heartless bitch who derives unfathomable pleasure from punching people in the face with her words. I am always being tormented so badly inside that I like hurting people just to get a little pain off my chest. The world is my punching bag.

For years, I have been so busy suppressing my memories that I forgot to consider the possibility of getting amnesia, and that too, a selective one. A large portion of my day goes into not remembering a significant part of my life that almost tore me apart once. And the funniest part is, I remember everything that I would sell my soul to the devil to forget about. Again, my fucking goddamn subconscious. And amidst all this ruckus, denial mode, and fear of facing the reality, I missed to see that I was slowly succumbing into a milder, but no less scarier version of memory disorder. The hole is not just in my chest anymore, it has spread to my mind as well.