Jurassic World

1.       The plot
Billionaire guy builds a park for dinosaurs. Scientists create intelligent dinosaur. The experiment backfires. Mayhem. Hero comes along with his abs and biceps. More mayhem to make the hero look cooler. Some apparently less famous actors face with violent deaths. Hero saves the heroine. Hero (in this case other dinosaurs) kills the root of all trouble. Then they live happily ever after until the next trouble (?) pops up again. Now add some badass VFX stuff and voila! You got yourself a blockbuster.
If you take away all the prehistoric elements from the plot, and pour in some truly cool, freaky guys with unusual power, you will be looking at a very recently released Marvel movie. #justsaying

2.       Bryce Dallas Howard’s heels
While watching Howard running about in the jungle in those towering pointy heels, I only wanted to ask the Director, ‘Pardon my impertinence sir, but did you ever try to run around with a pair of stilettos on?’ I could not even make it to the bus stop in time in my 3 inches wedges. However, I am no stiletto loving empty headed fashionista and my favourite kind of heels are no heels. The way Howard was jogging and jumping about in them, Michael Jordan would feel ashamed of the limitedness of his talent. And given the invincibility of them it seemed that they have come straight from the manufacturing unit that also produces Captain America’s shield.

Olympic could introduce a new event from next year onwards. 100 meter race in stilettos. Representative from India? Sonam Kapoor, who else? Does L’Oreal sponsor Olympic as well?

3.       Bryce Dallas Howard herself
Ok I get it. Director wanted to depict her as a snooty, uptight, ambitious woman who has no time for family or sex. What is she? Lesbian? Or some improved breed of raptors that are capable of parthenogenesis? Who could have possibly ignored such a hot piece of ass like Chris Pratt? Especially in the middle of a godforsaken damn island filled with vicious creatures? She is even weirder than that Indominus Rex thing. And to be honest, she looks more like a heavily made up irritating know-it-all sales assistant in that white outfit. The way she talks about genetically improved dinosaurs, seemed as if she is giving demo of a new model of air-conditioner that will give more purified air.
It also seems that the script writers created that whole I-am-too-good-for-my-dumbass-family subplot only to facilitate the events that would lead her nephews to get lost in the jungle and Chris Pratt to flaunt those delicious muscles.
Remember Dr. Ellie Sattler? The sassy paleobotanist from Jurassic Park? Or Julienn Moore from the Lost World? There is no sassiness about Bruce Dallas Howard. She just runs to and fro wearing white skirt and pointy heels and thrusts her chest upward whenever she gets a respite from uttering those dumb dialogues. No respite for the audience.

4.       The raptors
There are four genetically improved raptors in the movie that were bred in isolation. What did they breed them with? Dogs? I could not help noticing uncanny similarity of their look with that of my puppies. In Jurassic World, raptors don’t chase or try to eat you. They rather act like tamed puppies and attack the big bad dinosaur in order to save their master.

If only John Hammond hired a raptor tamer.

5.       Chris Pratt
Who is he?
An ex marine.
Does he possess a science degree?
No, but he has a killer physique. And a killer bike.
What the hell is he doing in Jurassic World?
He tames and trains the raptors.
I see—wait. What?
You heard it.
Chris Pratt is the genetically modified (part Bruce Lee, part Chris Hemsworth) ‘alpha male’ of the raptor herd. Despite not having a PhD, he seems to be more of an expert at dinosaurs than those expensive laboratory fellas. He touches the raptors at the back of their eyes and reads their minds.

Stan Lee called. Said he needed a new superhero for the Avengers team. The Dino-man.

6.       Indominus Rex
The apparently ‘bigger, scarier, cooler’ dinosaur does not appear to be any cooler than our good, old raptor and T Rex fellas. Ok, Indominus can camouflage itself. What’s the big deal about that? It is also being referred as the ‘monster’. I’m sorry, did the T Rex and the raptors people in the earlier movie come from the Vatican City? To be honest, the miniature sized dinosaurs in The Lost World seemed to be way more cunning and vicious to me. 

Well sometimes, size does not matter.

7.       The T Rex
Who was the main antagonist of the movie Jurassic Park? Nope, there is no prize for answering that.
In Jurassic World, the heroine not only herds the T Rex into the ‘battlefield’, she also ‘implores’ her to fight off the bad dinosaur while thrusting her chest upwards to the height of Mount Everest. By the way, the T Rex defeats the big bad dinosaur and goes back on her way like a big, good, obedient girl.

8.       The security guy
The chief of security guy thinks that raptors could be used as weapons in the US army using their predisposition of following orders. #speechless

9.       Jeff Goldblum or the lack of him
There is no Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park. And none of the characters is half as sassy or witty as Dr. Malcolm.  I am shamelessly partial about people I love.

10.   The climax
Good dinosaurs (read raptors and T Rex) vs. bad dinosaur (Indominus Rex). While our pretty lady lays on the floor with tattered clothes and a look on her face as if she just came out of Grey’s Red Room of Pain.
The good dinosaurs also exchange courtesy nods during the battle. Did they by any chance watch the Avengers movie while growing up in isolation? In the last scene the T Rex also comes up to the helipad and roars. I bet he liked the Hulk.

A really boring, rather funny movie with a wafer thin, predictable plot and lots of dumb characters and shitty dialogues. I was a kid when Jurassic park was released. I went to watch it with my father and came home feeling utterly amazed. Since then I have watched that movie for umpteen times on various occasions and never failed to feel the same amazement that I had felt the first time. Jurassic World is a big disappointment and a disrespect to that masterpiece and even making Spielberg as its executive producer could not save it from the disgrace.
After the movie was over, my date and I were looking at each other's faces with a 'what the hell did we just see?' expression. And he was the one more enthusiastic about the movie.