For You, Sushant (and For Those Fighting the Same Battle)

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I am devastated today. Shattered into tiny pieces. Like I have been hit by a running train. I have been crying nonstop since afternoon. Crying and asking. Why?? Why did you do this, Sushant?? How lonely and sad were you that you couldn't stop yourself from doing this?? How hopeless your days had become?? I have been there. I have been sad like that. It's not ordinary sadness. It's a paralyzing nimbus cloud of emptiness that devours your existence. It's dark. And endless. But why couldn't you just lay in bed for a little bit more?? Why couldn't you just let yourself be miserable in peace for few more days?? Why couldn't you just keep on going?? Why did you have to.. stop?? Why?? Why?? Why, Sushant, why??

I do not give two fucks about those fake hypocrite dickbags of Bollywood. But this one? This one hits home.

The stigma around mental illness is nothing new. Most of the times it's not sadness that kills people. It's the never-ending trail of loneliness that stems from being misunderstood. Depression feeds on isolation. Because at the end of the day we all desire only one thing. To be heard. To be seen. To be understood. And as if that's not the most difficult thing to find already then add to it the extra plight of people with mental illness. How many times I have lied about my state of mind to people? How many? I have lost count. We lie because we want to appear 'normal'. We lie because we are afraid of being 'crazy-shamed'. I have been faking my happiness for so long that it almost seems real now. And it started long ago. It started from home. Growing up in a family where one's emotional needs are never met really fucks things up for future. We get used to the emotional neglect, the shame of acknowledging normal human feelings. I have always cried in the dark, in silence all my life. Now even in too much pain I am not fully capable of making any sound while crying. Repressed trauma manifest themselves through violent rage and rude arrogance. Emotions are regularly denied. People are pushed away. Relationships get fucked over. And somehow I always manage to chase the wrong ones, those who are terribly harmful for my overall well-being. The stalking motherfuckers from my past, if you are reading this, yes this is intended at you sons of bitches.

I have dated some horrible human beings whose views on mental illness were even worse. One had the balls to not only self-diagnose me with a very complex disease but also had the audacity to send me a book on how to cope with it months after we had broken up. With a self-righteous note. I tore the book into pieces and threw it down the sewer the very day. Another one didn't believe in the existence of mental illness. Like a devout Christian denying the theory of evolution he used to tell that "mental illness is nothing but attention seeking tactics by dirty slut women". That same dirtbag also told me several times that he felt I was "too clever and cunning to kill myself over him" if he ever left me. Yes, he said this several times in a way that basically meant the only way I could prove my love for him was by killing myself. 
He was right though. I will NEVER kill myself over a man, especially a shitty dickbag one. There's too many out there. I will always get myself a new improved, better looking one. Girls, if you are reading this, get this message etched into your brain.

Last night only my friend and I were discussing about our depression and suicidal thoughts. He is the only one that gets me, and vice versa. We stayed up late talking about things that bug us. Things that we don't share with our Tinder dates. Or colleagues. Or even parents. What is our purpose here? Wtf are we doing here? Where is that real soul to soul connection that we have been searching for all our lives? Why are we so lonely? We were both sad, but we had each other. But Sushant, we were not aware while we were comfortably laughing crying talking to each other you were so goddamn alone somewhere that you were planning to end your life. I wish I were your friend. I wish I were there for you in that absolute darkness, holding you. I wish I could stop you. I am sorry you had no one to kick your ass and hold you tight, protecting you from all that darkness.

We live in a culture that gives so much importance on sex and physical attraction. We have forgotten how baring our soul to another person feels like. It's a gazillion times scarier and difficult than getting into bed with someone. We are all lonely and lost and messed up, desperately searching for a second chance in a hopeless world that constantly teaches us wrong values. We are all victims of mistaken identities, hiding behind the masks of our inauthentic self. We want to be understood yet mortified at the thought of being known.

I have been ridiculed and attacked many a times for speaking my mind on my blog. Why do you share so much personal stuff? Why are you such a shameless attention seeker? Your family must be ashamed of you.
Well, guess what? I am not going to stop. I will never stop talking about my battle with mental illness. You judgmental douchebags can go to fucking hell. And if at least one person out there in the ocean of internet benefits from my words, I will know that I have succeeded. All this pain, loneliness, abuse, and mockery -- it was worth it.

Sushant, I wish you had a friend. Someone who would sit with you in the dark and count the hours till the sun came up, again. I wish you had someone who would see you and accept you as who you were. Every last fucked up bit of you. I am lucky I have someone. But I wish you had someone too.

I am a Hindu so I won't say 'rest in peace'. We don't rest in peace that easily. But I hope you find your lost happiness in your next one. I hope in the next one you never end up alone. Until then, keep walking, Sushant. You will be missed. Oh by the way, I fell in love with your Mansoor in Kedarnath. Head over heels. I had a feeling you were a bit like him in real life too.

Bhalo theko, Sushant Singh Rajput.


p.s. Mental illness is real. Depression is real. Let's not push away the ones who are already fighting a tiresome battle in their head. Be compassionate. This life is a precious gift. Be a good human being.


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