Random Musings Series/8

How many of you have figured out life so far? You? You? Hey you with the cool job and 'happily ever after', how about you? What about you, the mid thirties, unmarried, childless one? And you, striking out the items on your bucket list before turning thirty? Do you really have any idea what is exactly going on here?

Well, I do not have a fucking clue. Period.

To be honest, I am one of those people whose life shouldn't suck yet it sucks more than a syphilitic whore. I have a super safe awesome job that has successfully numbed my last brain cell. Well, I haven't achieved my 'happily ever after' yet. I am not sure anymore if that even exists. I am not totally pessimistic about it; but I am not very optimistic either. I do wish to have a child some day; but I am not so sure if I want a husband with it. Even if I do manage to get one I am sure I do not want the typical Indian societal drama with it. (Read 'I hate the whole concept of in laws') On the other hand, as much as I want to become a mother some day I definitely do not wish to sacrifice my freedom. I still want to see the world. But this is all conjecture. Wishful thinking. At the end of the day I am still clueless. And this is only the 'what' part. And if I carefully manage to gallop through the risky door of 'how' without having to open it I end up in the endless meadow of 'why'. Dark. Dense. Mysterious. Fucking alluring. And my most favourite.

Why the fuck am I here? Why did it all happen whatever that have happened? Why is it still happening? Why? Why? Why?!

My mother was telling me yesterday about a friend of my brother who had lost both of his parents within a span of three months. Mother had lost the battle to terminal illness. Father just died this weekend out of the blue. Personally I don't know this boy at all. I have never seen him. However, I discovered myself sitting on the bed crying copiously after the phone call. The evening melancholia was spreading through my veins. Suddenly I wanted to go and hug this unknown boy and tell him that everything will be OK. Suddenly I wanted to hug my parents and tell them how much I love them. I was lit up in this iridescent glow of woe coming out of somewhere within me I could not quite put my finger on. Death fascinates me. Death scares me. Death saddens me. Death appears out of nowhere and makes life so beautiful.

I still haven't figured out life yet.

Mercury Retrograde is going to be over soon. Very soon. Aren't you counting days? I surely am. Especially the last five days when the trickster planet is entering Aquarius; expect lots and lots of morbid thoughts. This emotional overload of retrograde coupled with Pisces season has turned me into a huge crybaby. Pisces season is called the 'Death Time' of the universe.  The last of the zodiac -- it denotes the end of a seasonal cycle. Winter comes to an end; spring approaches. Everything goes deep within. And the universe hibernates in the placid water of the Pisces waiting to be reborn. Enjoy the last three weeks of winter. Do some soul searching. Introspect. Reflect. Purge what's not serving you anymore. Be it an old wound or an old habit. Shed shed shed. Look out the window. See how the trees are shedding. But don't worry. New leaves are coming soon.