Ergo

I am often asked by people why I share so much personal stuff on blog. Usually people are horrified by the idea. They assume either I am seriously unhinged or that I'm seeking attention. Unhinged? Yes. Birth defect and deteriorating with time. Any day I might have a final nervous breakdown and can either end up in a mental healthcare facility or in a morgue. Although I hate the idea of getting an autopsy done on me. I have heard morgues are really shitty in our country; no respect for dead whatsoever. As for attention seeking, almost everybody around me knows how much I loathe the idea. Social anxiety and attention seeking do not exactly go hand in hand. An undying yearning for love and affection yet not knowing how to receive or sustain it? Bull's eye.


Honestly speaking, I don't quite know why blab here so much. I love to write. And I believe a person's creative inspiration always comes from their personal life. Turmoil makes good artist; maybe not always, but it does sometimes. Even Harry Potter wouldn't have been created had Rowling not hit the rock bottom. I may not be nearly as talented or devoted as the mother of Harry Potter but I am happy in my own little bubble here. It amazes me how circumstances shape a person's thoughts and ideas. Ideas are ever changing; morphing themselves into one from another. How people change. Their mentality changes. Sometimes they follow a pattern. Sometimes they don't. Everything is random and yet nothing is. And how in the end everything sums up into nothing. A metamorphosis into one big, vast nothingness. And maybe that's why I have been sucking at living so much. Nothingness always chases me. I see nothingness in everything. So who cares if I ramble a little on my blog. Who am I anyway? I am a biological entity lost and stuck in this mind-numbing circus of pointlessness until I go back to my original form. Energy. If I had known quantum physics to be this philosophical I would never have studied Economics I swear. Economics sucks.


That's why when somebody declares they never cared for me I don't die there immediately. My innards don't implode in fury and disgust. They want to. But they don't. Instead the ringing in my ears ebbs away to a numbness that spreads all over my body. That numbness is so familiar to me by now. It is my best friend. I sit naked in the dark, tracing my imperfections. I tell myself it's all mortal. It's never gonna last. It's all just one big fucking illusion. I think I am something but I am nothing. And yet I am stuck in the dimension of something hence I can't reach nothing.


And this makes me crazy. This paradox. It's an infinite loop. And my wretched soul, stuck in this wretched body has been finding the answer for god knows how many lifetimes. This blog is just a facade. 

Comments