Because Life is Not Foolproof

Have you ever stayed awake till early dawn pondering over your past mistakes? Or you wake up from your sleep all of sudden with heart beat deafening your eardrums? Of course you have. We have all been there. Don't try to fool the world with those Instagram perfect selfies and that curated display of your blissful life all over social media.

Life is weird. At least that much I have realised after all this time. I am at my peaceful best when I just leave it to the fate and live like a mindless monkey. Even if things go wrong (which they always do) I don't have much scope of beating myself up. Sometimes I fall into the old trap of human life and try to take charge of life. Motivation feels sweet. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do that. Then the plans fall flat and I suddenly discover myself standing in the middle of the crumbled pile covered in dust. Where did I go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Apparently harmless, but the deadliest question ever. Anxiety shoots skyward. Depression wants to bury you alive. Insomnia and eating disorder get their groove back.

All my life I have always lived in the future. When I will pass this exam... When I will get my dream job.. When I will get my posting.. When I will find the love of my life.. My life has been an endless quest after that mirage that never seems to materialise in reality. And that's the point. A mirage is called a mirage because it IS a mirage. And hence the paradox of finding what is not there is an infinite trap. The moment I reached where I had wanted to be my mind began to look for the next one immediately. Maybe it was totally not my fault. Maybe we are raised like that. Life is an endless race where taking a pause might prove to be an irretrievable loss. It's funny how often we forget what awaits us at the end of that race. What's more funny is how suddenly that end may come to us unannounced. Is living in a false sense of immortality called life? Is that why we want to make children so badly? In a desperate attempt to leave a permanent footprint on this wretched planet?

Not long back from now I had come across a book. The title of the book was so assuring that I thought it would be my gateway to a forever happy life. Oh yes, I was that pathetic that time. The irony was, I was a shipwreck despite having had achieved what I had been pursuing for previous three years. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't sad because of some loser who had screwed me over. I was rather relieved that another parasite creep was gone from my life. No. It was about me and me only. I was suddenly directionless and not to mention, lonely. And the hollowness was absolute. So a mere self-help book by some Buddhist nun felt like my saviour. I didn't finish the book. I rather threw it away halfway. I wanted to hear some sweet nothing words of assurance and solace. But instead the book told me to give in. Because life is a fucking circus where sorrow and joy come in cycle. And it will continue to be so until we die. And if those Hindu and Buddhist texts are right, then your misery doesn't end in this life. Be prepared to suffer in the next one. And by suffer, I don't mean facing the sorrow and disappointments. I think there's nothing more pathetic than those moments when you think your life can never go wrong from there and suddenly the fall happens.

I try not to get too attached to happiness anymore. Not that I am bitter, or cynical. I just try to be better prepared. I know I am being hunted, all the time. So why not keep an eye out for the beast that I know is lurking around me. Until then, smile. Smile so big that every last imperfection of your face gets highlighted in that high definition close-up shot. Life is so fucking pointless otherwise.