Exes and Why I Suck at Dating 2/2

"Your collective dating record reads like a who's who of human crap!"

-- Pheobe Buffay | F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

You know, no matter what the situation is, there is ALWAYS a F.R.I.E.N.D.S. reference for it. You wanna know about my love life? Refer to the quote above. Whole life described in just one line.

Not very long ago one talented ex of mine told me that we had fallen for each other because we were both mentally sick. You are what you attract blah blah blah. I can't vouch for his sanity (He is a fucking nutjob, AND in a scary fucked up way.) but I can tell you one thing. I AM crazy. I feel things too fucking deeply. My emotions are very raw. I am painfully blunt. All these make me a difficult person to handle. That might sound very romantic and sexy in a book or a movie but it's freaking hard to be someone like me in actual life. Trust me.

So far I have dated, semi-dated, fooled around with many guys. Not all of them were assholes. Oh definitely not. Some were really good and we ended up being good friends. And yet, it never really worked out with anyone so far. No disaster is one-sided in a relationship; unless the bastard deliberately cheats on you. So yes, I have many many shortcomings which make me a fairly undatable person. Some flaws I am very unapologetic about; some I am not and I am working very hard to rectify them (Not because I wish to kiss anybody's ass, but self-improvement.). You will get to know which one is which from my tone.

I have (or had until recently) very low self-esteem. This is probably the biggest reason why I attract lots of shitty men and fuck it up royally with the actual good ones. Honestly, how can I expect someone else to love me when I don't love myself? Result? Disastrous co-dependent relationships that start too passionately and end too abruptly and too bitterly. Ever since my childhood I suffered from this I-shall-never-be-good-enough syndrome which only worsened with time. Over-protective, overly critical parents, a totally fucked up joint family, lack of trustworthy friend and many many bad, unpleasant incidents made the core so unstable that I was a gone case from the start. For past five years I had been literally begging to the universe to put an end to the vicious cycle and set me free. That finally happened last year. Now I am far from the land of oh-but-you-will-fail-anyway-so-don't-even-try. I am learning how to be on my own. I am staggering still; fucking up occasionally. And yet surviving, in full glory. In two months I have kicked out FOUR guys instead of falling into the alluring trap of 'relationship'. I am in a relationship with myself and guess what, it's true love.

I have had a very bad chemistry with my parents. And despite all the love it has always been very turbulent so far. I don't know why exactly. Unlike some, I don't claim to be a psychology expert. I hated my parents' over-protective, less than supportive stance to everything. They hated my rebellious nature. Result? I had no one to talk to when I made a mistake. I would be shit scared of all the scolding and incessant criticism. Aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes instead of feeling forever ashamed of them? Not to mention they freak out on another level and anxiety is infectious. And worst part? My mother has this horrible habit of using my past mistakes against me when she is really pissed. Over the years I have learned how to hide my personal troubles from them and handle them on my own. And sadly, I have done many wrong things just in order to find an escape from the stifling situation. You can never find peace when the root is always going through shitstorm. Distance is a great mechanic sometimes.

I cannot take bullshit from anyone. I mean I am physically incapable of taking shit from others. Even if I end up taking it somehow, my system will throw it right back in due course of time. And this makes me a very very scary person to deal with. My failure at not calling a spade a spade has cost me many relationships. I look around me and I see most relationships are standing on this solid foundation of bullshit. You take bullshit. You give bullshit. And that's how you live happily ever after. Then there is me. I will kick your sweet ass if you try bullshitting me. And it's a reflex. So sorry but NOT sorry honey. I won't take misogynist shit in the name of love. No I won't let you fuck me and then treat me like shit then make me think it's fine. No I won't sacrifice my career in the name of love. No I don't believe being a mother should be the ultimate goal of a woman. And no, I cannot pretend to be a saint if your mother behaves like a psycho whackjob to me.

I have a very sick sense of humour and a very acerbic tongue. Well, the only time I go on 'awww' mode when I see a dog. Rest of the time I am this extremely blunt, extremely sarcastic bitch who would ask you to shove it if you try to come flirt with me with your "nyc dp u hv cute smile ;)" line. As a result, I repel men a LOT.

And that brings us to the next point. I am very very choosy. I reject men left, right and centre and I do it very proudly. I used to hear it quite often from our elders while growing up. That women who are too choosy end up being all alone. And that was a warning. It's funny how we get trained into lowering our value since childhood and no one comes to our rescue when we fuck up later in life. Why lower your standards? Why fear loneliness so much? Why are we taught to fear loneliness? Loneliness is the best thing ever to teach you your self-worth. Face it, love it, make friends with it. Only after that you will find whoever you are meant to be with. Till then, hang in there and enjoy the journey.

I have a thing for trouble. And hence I hate the idea of arranged marriage. I hate 'nice guys'. I get bored too fast. My close friends know that my dream is to elope and get married. As a result I tend to reject men who fail to tickle my grey cells. That's my real G-spot. Love is adventure. Adventure is love.

I have anxiety issues. If you try to corner me I would either withdraw or go on nuclear mode. There's no in between. So the other person has to be very careful about this. I also tend to worry over apparently insignificant issues and get really upset in the process. Some asshole once told me that he didn't want a girl with anxiety because even if he died the next day he would want to die with a smile on his face. I cannot reiterate our whole dating story here but I can guarantee that was a seriously awful thing for him to say. I chugged an entire bottle of brandy and cried for next two days after that conversation. He was a selfish prick who was too full of himself but anxiety for me is a real issue. It's a silent killer and every day is a new battle. Somehow I am getting better at handling it if not finding a way to cure it. More on it in a separate post.

Note: I also said a hell lot of awful things myself. And I am super ashamed of it. But mostly I said things in a fit of rage, not deliberately. Things said in a cold, even tone kills people. Actually it should literally kill people at the very instant. But you stay alive despite all that and that's where the struggle begins.

I cannot be dictated or controlled. Well, I am neither North Korea nor a TV. I am a human being who believes in equal rights. Ask me nicely. Don't fucking order me you son of a Trump. Jokes apart, people often try to dominate and change their partners and they call it love. Come on dude, love means letting your cattle graze freely, not milk them against their free will (pun intended) and make their life hell.

Overall, I am an asshole. I am. I am moody. I am sarcastic. I am passive aggressive. I change my mind too erratically. I cut off people just like that. I show middle finger to convention. I never pretend to be some Disney princess. I never shy away from talking about my personal life on the blog. Because I don't care what people might think. People were not there when I was struggling. So why feel ashamed? I try not to be a hypocrite. People come into your life feeling amazed by your 'uniqueness' but very soon they try to reshape you as per their convenience. Why? I don't know much about love but I know love comes with acceptance. Unconditional acceptance. And it should be so. At the end of the day I am a humongous fuck up when it comes to personal life. But hey, fucking up is part of the process. At least I am not some condescending judgmental asshole. I am a compassionate asshole. And I know someday I too shall get there.