My Friend Linda

Once upon a time when I was a fat, ugly, naïve (that I still am) college girl I first came across Linda. My memories have taken a strange hit and I am having a hard time recalling what exactly I did last week yet I can clearly remember who brought that really old, possibly secondhand, weather-worn book to the class one day. (It was T, the jagged teeth Marwari boy from Girish Park, fyi.) Linda Goodman’s Sun Signs. The book was in fact so old that it got disbanded in two, which was a good thing because everybody had pounced on it at once. The twenty girls and boys of Quantitative Economics batch, all eager to know what the stars had written in the sky about them millions and millions years ago, long before when they were they and the planets hadn’t reached adolescence. I not only read about my sign. I read about each every one of my close friends’ signs and went home and called everyone up and told them about the treasure I had discovered that day. That was the beginning. In past eight years whomsoever came into my life, friend, boyfriend, batchmate, infatuation, suddenly found best friend – all went through one primary but very important screening test. What does Linda say about this one? Because Linda is never wrong. I emphasise on ‘never’. And call me crazy or whatever, usually whichever point hits me in the entire description, always turns out to be pivotal to define the person’s character later. I know, it sounds crazy. But darling, you cannot imagine how many times in life it’s the crazy things that only make sense ultimately.

So the other day I bumped into some Linda Goodman quotes and god knows why I just wanted to open the book again where it had all started. I had no one else’s sign to read about so I read mine. When someone really close misunderstands you, it breaks you up in places so subtly that you can’t fully comprehend with your little brain. Then you go back to someone who really gets you, your quirks, your ups, your downs, your blacks, your whites. They act like painkillers. Well, Linda understands me. As I said, Linda is never wrong. My moon sign is Capricorn and ascendant is Aquarius. Sometimes I do find one or two things common with Aquarius, but never Capricorn. And even though I have few negative Saturn aspects in my chart that sometimes turns me into a total jackass, it's still my sun sign that rules above all.

If you are a Sagittarius girl you may find a piece of yourself in the excerpts below. If you are not, go and download yourself a copy of the book. And start exploring.

Oh, and did I mention the full name of the book? It’s Linda Goodman’s Sun Signs – How To Really Know Your Husband Wife Lover Child Boss Employee Yourself Through Astrology.

“Coffee shop. You've just gotten up the courage to tell her you love her, but before you can say it, she looks at you with wide-open, guileless blue eyes-or forthright, steady brown ones- and asks you curiously, "How do you feel about being so short? Does it make you neurotic or anything?" While you're gulping, trying manfully to recover, she'll add, "You shouldn't care about it. Lots of men were short. Like Napoleon. And Fiorello LaGuardia." That's almost adding insult to injury, but before you get a chance to walk out, thinking no woman ever deserved such ungallant treatment more, she'll muse dreamily, "I hate men who look like bean poles. You're perfect. I noticed when we were walking over here tonight-we measure just right together."

Sit back down. You're staying. For a long time. A friendly, frank Sagittarius girl has just wound herself around your heart with her own, peculiar brand of charm. She'll always be a little outspoken, because she sees the world exactly as it is, even while she's wearing those ridiculous, rose-tinted glasses. That, you must admit, is quite a talent. It's not everyone who can apply clear, reasonable logic to every situation, and retain the happy faculty of believing things will get better or else deciding to accept them for what they are.”

“This girl will never lie to you. Sometimes, you may wish she would. Show curiosity about how she spends the nights you're not with her, and you'll get a detailed, perfectly honest report of the letters she writes to that handsome intern she met last summer on her vacation and how many dates she turns down on the phone. She may even relate her troubles with insomnia, brought on when she lies awake at night wondering if maybe what she feels for you is friendship instead of love. You'll feel like yelling at her, "For Pete's sake, lie a little once in a while, can't you? A man has his pride." Don't yell too loud. You'll offend her, and she's not exactly noncombustible herself. Sagittarius girls have been known to fly into some pretty fiery rages.”

“There's one thing you'll have to learn right away, or the relationship will never get off the ground. When you want her to do something, ask her. Don't tell her. The cave man technique went out with Tarzan and Jane, as far as she's concerned. She enjoys being protected, but she doesn't want to be ordered around. Not even her mother gets away with that. Who are you, that you should top her mother? She may have an Aries mother, and if a Mars woman can't boss her around, no male on earth is going to do it. However, there's a queer twist to her nature. Although she dislikes being bossed, especially in public, when she's testing you for firmness, be firm. Jupiter women can't stand weak, wishy-washy men. If she gets too high-spirited and her clever tongue gets too sarcastic, or she threatens some action that really incenses you, give her a light touch of the Tarzan treatment. Just enough to keep her in line. Like "You do that and I'll break your neck." She may react with surprising meekness if she thinks you're serious. A Sagittarius female has no intend on of giving up her individuality for any male, but she kind of likes to know you think of her as a girl.”

“This young lady has bright, frank ways with men, and she's not going to play any silly games of "Guess how I feel" or "Guess what I think!" How she feels and what she thinks are identical with how she acts and what she says. Her outspoken bluntness naturally causes misunderstandings, and a good share of fiery battles, let alone hurt feelings, but it doesn't crush her spirit. Jupiter pride comes to the surface and rescues her in a crisis, allowing her to pass off her heartache as the biggest joke of the season. Inside, she may be weeping, but she'll employ such clever wit in answering the questions of friends about the break that they'll decide the whole affair was a harmless flirtation on her part. Little will they guess how she soaks her pillow every night, wondering what she could possibly have said that fractured everything. It might have been when she told him not to stop by her apartment the time he called from the lobby around midnight-because she was "busy talking with a man who had a few problems." Actually, the man was her brother-in-law, but with the peculiar Sagittarius twist of leaving out the core of the story, she neglected to mention that. Why should she have to explain herself? (All Sagittarians show a raging, righteous anger when their integrity is doubted.) Or it could have been when he asked her if she minded him bringing his little sister along to the movies and she blurted out, "Gosh, I hope that doesn't mean she's going to be hanging around all the time when we're married." She may have sincerely liked the young girl, but the natural Sagittarian fear of being suffocated by in-laws brought on her thoughtless and forthright statement. Now she misses his sister as much as the man, but it's too late to explain what she meant. Besides, no one would understand.”

“Impasses like this are impossible for her to fathom, for all her logical mental processes, and often lead the Jupiter girl into a never-never land of romance, not knowing where the fire might flame up, or why, and afraid of being burned when it does. Then she'll play it too cool and be unable to take anyone seriously, least of all herself. She'll flirt openly, but without any intention of making it a lasting or a forever thing, and gain the reputation of a cold heartless female. A fire sign is never cold or heartless, but then there are a lot of astrologically ignorant men out there who don't know that.”

“Like the male Sagittarian, she's a little skittish about wedlock. You'll need to use some bright, colorful pieces of tinsel as bait to get her pinned down (to accepting your proposal, that is). She's breezy and unconventional in her relationships with men. Since she considers herself your equal, she may copy your mannerisms, as well as wear your sweater. If she also likes sports and camping, as lots of Sagittarian females do, you may have trouble distinguishing her from the boys. But she's not the same. For one thing, your sweater looks different on her. Not that Jupiter women are offensively masculine by nature. They can be the softest, most feminine women you ever squeezed. It's just that she pals around with so many men you get used to seeing her in the crowd-everywhere but in the steam room and the gym. Since she's so scrupulously honest and aboveboard, she may be a little careless of her reputation and contemptuous of the hypocrisy demanded by society. If you question her about it, she'll be plain-spoken. She'll probably tell you that waltzing in at midnight doesn't indicate promiscuity any more than coming home at a more conventional hour indicates innocence. She knows her morals are above reproach, and that's all that matters. Naturally she's dead wrong. What other people think matters very much to a female reputation. But try to understand her attitude. Don't think she's fast and loose just because she laughs at a few jokes, usually without the slightest idea of what they're all about (the subtlety of the double-entendre often escapes Sagittarius). So- she stays up to watch the sunrise from the George Washington Bridge (or from the top of a silo, if you live in the country)-that doesn't mean she's the wildest girl in town.”

“The truth is, she's a trusting child at heart. Her outlook is so naive it makes her vulnerable to wolves, con artists and phonies (though oddly enough, not in other areas, just in romance). Forget about how cleverly she argues and how startlingly logical she can be. All that has nothing to do with her heart. Her mind isn't under discussion. It's bright and intelligent, and well able to take care of itself in any emergency. But her heart is defenseless. It falls down and gets bruised quite often.”

“That's another thing. She's slightly clumsy. At times when the Sagittarius girl strides down the street like a thoroughbred horse, you'll think she's the most graceful woman you've ever watched-until she stumbles on a crack in the sidewalk, awkwardly grabs the awning over the fruit stand to catch her balance and upsets two crates of oranges. The owner may swear a little, but he’ll soon shrug his shoulders, tell her to skip it, and hand her some grapes. The sunny Sagittarian disposition can melt the hardest hearts. Now and then, this girl will remind you of a clumsy puppy dog, wagging its friendly tail, and walking all over your feet.”

“The Sagittarian girl you're involved with may be in show business, because lots of them are drawn by the lure of the footlights. If so, start out on the right foot by expecting her to put her career first, until she tires of it. The sweet sound of applause and the thrill of the encore will ring in her ears with more conviction than all the romantic phrases you can conjure up. Never force her to choose between pleasing you and the excitement of pleasing whole gobs of people at once with her sunshine personality. After a while she'll grow disgusted with the hypocrisy and artificial glitter she finds all around her in the world of show business, and she'll come running home to try domesticity with someone who is real. You. Someone who believes honesty is beautiful and deception is ugly. You again. Leaving a career won't remove the wings from her heels forever. They were fastened there at birth. The travel bug will always be nearby to give her a case of wandering fever. Vacation with her when you can; otherwise let her go off to ride the carousel herself, and trust her. She loves you, not the clowns and organ grinders she likes to pass the time with.”

“As for her talent as a homemaker, be brave. And be patient. Sagittarius girls are acutely bored by the confinement of dusting and mopping. No sooner does she make a bed than it gets unmade. Gosh, you'd think the darned thing would stay neat for a few days anyway, it was such a drag tucking in those sheets at the corners. She'll hate it all with a purple passion. When she has a home of her own, however, she'll probably swallow her distaste. She'll prefer that you get her a maid if you can possibly afford one. If not, she'll doggedly keep it shining. Her mother will never believe it. That sloppy child waxing the coffee table? Impossible. Pride and the eternal Sagittarius logic does it.”

“Her own moods can be terrors, but they're rare, and they last so briefly you'll hardly notice them. When she's really hurt, her tongue can be bitterly sarcastic. But she'll forget what she said almost before she's finished the sentence, and she won't understand why you want to dwell on it. This is not the woman for a brooding, melancholy man. Gloom and pessimism, can actually make her physically ill.”

“Her youngsters will probably be well-dressed, but not fussily so, and bright-mannered. If they pick up a few unconventional tricks from her, like making footprint curtains by spreading monk's cloth on the floor, stepping barefoot into yellow paint and walking across the material-at least you won't be raising a houseful of conformists. Her honesty will mark their characters. If they don't find those three bears after a careful search under all the fir trees, she'll probably tell them to forget it-it's a phony. But she will have looked first.”

“The Jupiter woman is an incurable idealist. And here's a secret perhaps she never told you: She fell in love with you many years ago, when she was a little girl and wished on the new Moon for someone to share her honest heart. There were lots of times when she thought she had found you and was disappointed. But when you finally came along, she knew you right away, because you were a gentle clown with a dream or two of your own who took her hand and showed her the way to the stars.”