Cancer Full Moon

Happy new year everyone. A lot of celebration is going on around, isn't it? Fortunately, (sense the tone) I am home and playing out the role of perfect couch potato. Half lying in bed and staring at my laptop (my best friend, my lover, my soulmate) and trying not to lose my cool. For past 48 hours god knows why I am feeling so worked up. Not in a crazy Borderline Personality Disorderly way. It's just that suddenly all my senses have heightened. I am suddenly allergic to strong scent or loud music. (Thanks to all the 'happy' people in my neighbourhood, it's been fuckall noisy two days.) A full moon has arrived at Cancer, the mushy watery sign of the Zodiac. Is it because of all this? To be very honest, I am shit scared. It is almost as if I have started to experience a new rush of energy lately. Over past one month I am having vivid dreams in my sleep; stopping dead on my track as weird visions coming on my way. If you notice I have written a blog post almost every day during December. I am usually never this consistent. And the few days' break that I had taken during the end of November to early December was almost like the calm before storm. December has been a very weird month for me. The line between reality and fantasy often got blurred during this time. And it is still going on. Damn I sound like those psychics who offer 'spiritual guidance' for 5 dollars per hour. But no, trust me, I have not gained any spiritual blessing all of a sudden from the Supreme Power. I am rather sitting here in a pull of energy, feeling utterly restless and lost. I was having a long conversation with a friend this evening and I was telling him how weird I had been feeling lately and I must go back to Darjeeling. Trust me, I have no issues with my parents and bliss prevails on the home-front, touchwood. But somehow Darjeeling does a first-class job at channeling my inner energy and that's why I feel so at home there. Mountains and I. Yin and Yang. God I sound like a total crazy person.

I mentioned in my earlier post that my memory had become foggier over past couple of years. I tried so hard to remember what I was doing on last year's new year's eve (without checking my social media feed. No cheating you see.) and still I could not remember. And surprisingly I do remember what I was doing on 1st of January, 2017. Something incredibly stupid. No, I was not enjoying doing it and yet I did put myself through it. I did have this unbelievably self-sabotaging suicidal tendency where I used to put myself through a situation against my will and intuition. And the universe did impart some wisdom in me. I am never putting myself in any suicidal situation ever again in my life. Next time onwards I am gonna say no. A polite but firm No. This year I have spent my 1st January watching movies on laptop (Doctor Strange and Me Before You back to back) while painting my toenails in various shades of purple and turquoise. Nope. Not a single drop of alcohol. I ended and began my years without it. Oh and talking about memory, how could I have possibly forgotten about mentioning my last birthday? 2017 gave me my best birthday. Ever. Saturn was leaving and He gave me my best birthday. That too during a time when I was absolutely hopeless. In 2017 I cut the second birthday cake of my life. (The first one happened a long time ago, on my 16th birthday.) A birthday cake! Can you believe it?? Me cutting a birthday cake. That's almost like Captain America refusing to support Bucky Barnes. They also put a magic candle on top of it. It wasn't blowing out. So I had a lot of time to say my wishes. And there you go, I do not remember what I wished for. I know I wished for something good and yet it went away from my mind with the last flicker of the magic candle.

But let's come back to my state of mind. Don't get me wrong. I am not sad, or depressed or feeling like a lunatic. But it is almost like a giant ball of energy churning inside me. Now I know why I miss Darjeeling so much. Had I been there right now I would have roamed about half the city. Usually I go visit Mahakal Temple and Bhutia Busty Monastery whenever I feel like this. I go there and ring every single bell and let every ounce of vibration pass through me. I know I am not exactly desperate about any wish in my life but just trying very hard to navigate through something very new that is happening with me. And there's refuge in the arms of my mountain gods. My best friends think I have gone nuts but I am still pestering them anyway. This is not despair. This is not anxiety. But I am in the middle of a whirlwind of energy which I am still clueless about how to master. Not to mention I have done something stupid this afternoon. Not 'stupid' like last year, but stupid nevertheless. Let's blame it on Cancer full moon and my newfound inexplicable pool of energy. It's time to strap on a pair and spill out the secrets.

And oh, I forgot to mention the most important part. (Memory fucking with me.) My resistance is slowing ebbing away. All those things I have held on to until now, the fears, the stubbornness, the defiance -- it's all washing away slowly. And I am slowly getting adjusted with a life where I am moving towards everything that I had so stubbornly refused until now. As if a heavy burden is slowly being lifted. So many things are making sense now. A book I was reading a few days back had me so restless that I stopped reading it. The book suggested to go blank when you experience a new surge of energy, instead of questioning it. I am not questioning mine, but in order to navigate through it I must find a way put it to a good use. Let's see where it takes me.