Emancipation

Lately I am going through something I have never experienced before in my entire life so far. A state of absolute disconnection. As if some magical fairy creature swished the wand and put all the chaos to sleep all of a sudden. At first I was quite shocked at my state of composure. After all I am someone who has both GAD and BPD. Freaking out over nothing is my signature move. How could I possibly be so calm and nonchalant? Ok here goes the confession. I freaked out for a bit for not freaking out. I thought I had turned into one of those empty shell people who give up on feeling anything after being screwed over repeatedly. Then I thought I could be heading for a delayed reaction fiasco. It took me some time to realize it was none of the cataclysmic scenarios I was fancying in my head. I am no longer wailing up reading sad tumblr poetry. I am no longer having morning periods. I am no longer having anxiety attacks. Rather I am laughing at good jokes. I am taking care of my dogs again. I am enjoying a good movie again. Hell yeah I am shopping again! So no, there is no way in hell I have gone empty. I have somehow learned the trick to kick the negative feelings out of my life. And the best part is I am no longer a slave to my fucked up emotions anymore. The quotient of my well-being has suddenly become an independent variable with the correlation coefficient of zero with respect to other people, especially useless bunch of assholes. I have never felt this liberated in years.

Why can’t we let go of something when we know it is the most important and perhaps the healthiest thing to do? It is the easiest yet the toughest decision to make. People say there is no point living in the past. They are correct. But at the same time your own past can give you the best of wisdom that no other source in the world can do. Be it your god, or a new lover or a great book – nothing can open your eyes like the inherent nature of your most innate self that has shaped itself through years of journey. As for me, my moment of impact arrived when I realized how in the past I wanted so many things that life refused to give me and later I felt immensely grateful for every loss, every disappointment that inevitably led me to my next great adventure. And how relieved it made me feel for not getting what I had thought I could not live without.

Still, the fight is on. There are flashing moments when the bad feelings are creeping back and knocking the breath out of me. But what’s life without a little bit of struggle eh? Even if it is just in one’s head. To be honest I have never been this clueless about my life before. And yet this is the first time I am fully enjoying the rush of excitement of walking down the dark tunnel. Perhaps I have never really surrendered myself to the unknown before.  I had no idea until now that there is so much fun in letting go. The universe has finally succeeded teaching me humility. That I do not have the slightest control over my life. All I can do is appreciate the present and enjoy the journey. And no one more than I know how much emphasis I put on the journey than the goal itself. I am that forever explorer who is always looking for some far reaching unconquered treasure without having any proper idea of what it is or how to reach there. Because the fun lies with the adventure, not with going home with the prize. And life always gives you exactly what you are made for.

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