Happy Chaos

For past one month I have been ignoring my blog like anything. To be honest, I’m feeling quite ashamed of myself about it. No matter what I am doing, I am hearing this little voice inside my head – admonishing me in a very low and soft tone. So is this how you repay your dear, old buddy who was always there when you were almost dying? Guilty as charged. A lot is happening around me. When I close my eyes, it is purely chaos. The thoughts are too many in number and too erratic to tame and give them a proper shape.

When I first started this blog, I was a broken human being. The pain was so unbearable that I needed to channelise it to something positive. One of the best decisions I have ever taken in my blunder-infested humiliating life. And now three years later, suddenly that pain is gone and I’m somehow stuck in a limbo – not being able to figure out how to react to this newfound ray of happiness in my life. I had forgotten many of the feelings that I am experiencing once again. Now they are coming back one after another like waves and crumbling themselves at my feet. Oh I have been waiting along the solitary seashore for such a long time.

I want to talk about it desperately. I want to talk about whatever is going on in my life these days. And I know it is worth telling. After all I look at my blog as not only a space to express my creative (?) freedom as well as a documentation of my emotional journey through life - a time series map of my highs and lows and of course those moments when I felt absolutely nothing at all. But somehow I am feeling a little bit intellectually crippled these days. A different kind of writer's block perhaps. When I was morbidly sad blabbering a few thousands words seemed to be easier to me. Now something else (read one particular person) is hijacking a large chunk of my attention and honestly speaking, I am enjoying it.

On the other hand, I am feeling mortified. A crippling fear is bugging my subconscious even in my sleep. I tried to pay close attention to it. No matter how hard I have tried to strangulate the little voice in my head, so far it has always turned out to be right. But after trying to trace the origin of my fear for a while I realised it wasn't my gut feeling talking.

I have been so used to of being sad for such a long time that now I am somewhat uncomfortable and scared of being happy. Remember what Deadpool said?
Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness.

But hey, he got his girl in the end right? So I am just keeping my fingers crossed.

Chaos has never seemed so awesome before.