Unloving

I think I am more afraid of falling out of love than falling in it. You love someone so deeply yet one day it all vanishes into thin air and no matter how much you want to love them like before, you just can't anymore. As if the fire has died out. Once and for all. And you are suddenly left without a purpose. And the scariest part is, you don't know whether you will be able to love with the same intensity ever again. The subject of love is irrelevant here. And it is not exactly like losing memory either. Memory loss is like losing limbs. But losing the ability to feel the burning intensity of love? It's like going colour blind. Or not being able to smell the new pages of a book or the smell of rain. It is all there, but you can't reach out to them anymore. As if you have been condemned to a deadhole where you are cursed to live a life of eternity without soul.

It makes me mortified that your name no longer makes my heart pounding. I no longer feel the deep ache inside my bones when I think of a future without you. I can no longer remember your face, or your voice, or how amazingly intoxicating your smell was. For a very long time I did not mention your name even in my head as I knew it would tear me apart. Now I casually talk about you with perfect strangers. You would say it is good. That I am moving on. But am I, really? Or it is just my soul that is slipping out of my hand. And I am just standing there hopelessly, watching myself die.

And anyday, anyday, I would do anything to get my heart broken again just to make sure that I am not dead yet.

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