And It All Comes Back to You

I think I am used to of being chronically depressed now. I don’t remember when the last time was I took a deep breath that didn’t hurt my lungs. Or the last time I spent a single day without feeling that painful lump in my throat. These days I can no longer fathom the actual origin my sorrow. Perhaps the original reason is lost forever like a mysterious, sunken ship with her hull full of priceless treasure that could have been the key to many great, unsolved mysteries of mankind. Is it just You? Is it the fact that even after such a long time, despite so many bitter memories, despite my vehement denial, I’m still head over heels in love with You? Hopelessly, unrequitedly. Or is it just that my life sucks to such great extent that I have failed to find a perfect substitution of You? That I am such a pathetic loser that being in love with a selfish, subhuman creature seems to be the most alluring choice to me? Or perhaps it’s not You; it’s my life as a whole that has come to a dead end. Or is it the pain and sighs of all those people that I have hurt, harm, thought or spoken ill of? Is this what Hell feels like? Am I in the midst of redemption? I don’t have an answer to any of the questions. I don’t care anymore either. So I just sit there silently with an empty, burning sensation in my body and slowly succumb into the paralysing pain.

I know I think too much. I feel too much. I care too much. I love too much. And that is the root cause of all my misery. I feel with such intensity that it creates an inferno inside my chest. Oh, if only I could stop feeling so much. Sometimes, one simple word, or one memory can cause such havoc in my mind. It brings back everything that I so carefully buried deep inside me. The ghosts of the bygone days come back to haunt me. They haunt me in the morning. They haunt me in the night. I tell them to go away. I want to sleep. I want to have a peaceful, dreamless sleep. But they won’t listen. They keep me awake for hours. I bury my face in the pillow and I scream. The muffled, distorted sound of my voice bounces back into own mouth and travels deeper into my brain. Now it feels like my head is going to explode. My vision is blurred now. But it doesn’t matter as the room is dark. The night grows older. There is absolute silence everywhere now. Except the occasional barking of the stray dogs. I can even hear the sound of the old grandfather clock coming from the dining hall. Tick tock. Tick tock. I finally fall asleep. I am tired from all the crying. My head hurts. I cannot breathe properly. My mouth tastes funny. I fall asleep with a desperate desire of not waking up again. I want peace. And when there is nothing but absolute darkness inside my head, I feel being at peace. I want that absolute darkness. Life exhausts me so much. Please don’t wake me up again. Oh please.

I once told You that I do not think about You anymore. I don’t have to. As You are always there with me. You are there when I breathe. You are there when I flicker my eyes. You are there when I wipe away my tears. You are there when I laugh. You are there when I am asleep. You are there when I kiss another guy. I once gave You my heart. All of it. I never got it back actually. That’s why after You, no one was good enough for me. It wasn’t their fault. I was the one who had nothing to offer to them. I didn’t realise how or when You had entwined Yourself with my weathered, wasted, wretched soul in such tight bond that I could no longer defy You without denying my very own sad, pathetic, purposeless, insignificant existence.

However I cannot guarantee anything if Tom Hiddleston asks me out. Although last time I heard he wanted to concentrate more on career for the time being. *sigh*