A Cognizant Comeback

After two months of stress and immense mental ordeal, I am back to normal life again. Or am I? Have I ever been normal in my life? Well, that's a question that needs some serious pondering. Anyway. As I have mentioned earlier that I have been under-nourished, under-slept and over-stressed all this time. I might have lost a few kilos. I was looking super skinny yesterday in the mall mirror. And even my skinny jeans which I have a hard time getting into and out from, have become a bit loose. Anyway. I like being skinny. Being skinny has its own fringe benefits. I cannot express in words the extent of my joy I feel when I smoothly fit into that small place on bus or auto. Although I cannot help resenting obesity when I get sandwiched between two fat people.

For last few years, my life has become a journey to a plethora of realisations. The best cognizance that I had in years is that, the less you communicate with the (stupid) people around you, the more you have time to soul searching. Now you do the math. However, I have comprehended in past two months that I cannot live a life without some rock-hard objective. Life without a project is a dead life for me. I constantly need to have an unfinished business before me to keep myself going. Well, we all have unfinished business as long as we are alive. But for me, an objective holds a slightly different meaning. For example, having a child and raising it can never be one of my objectives. I shudder at the mere thought of that agony. But yes, taking a trip to Mount Kailas or how to overcome claustrophobia so that when the time comes I can crawl into the crypt of the pyramid are on the top of my 'Life goals' list. Life seems a little better when I have a project. And by now, almost every one knows how pathetic I am at living. Being a loner, loser and a twisted psychopath is not as easy as it seems. Sitting home and lusting over partially nude pictures of Tom Hiddleston is much rewarding to me than being in an actual relationship. But even there, I have a glitch. I have been condemned to live a life without the man I actually want to be with. So I guess it will be a constant tug of war between my inability of settling for less and the absolute crippling fear of dying alone for the rest of my life.

When I am obsessed with some unfinished business that I have to accomplish, I function much better. I am always busy and preoccupied. I am constantly running. I hardly have time to feel hunger or sleep or even lust. My stupid, evil mind is so busy working its ass off that it has no time think (read waste) about the other silly, unresolved issues which will never be solved anyway. My gaping, festering wound is temporarily covered under the huge pile of duties I must finish within the deadline.
However, the moment my job is done, I am back to square one. Again. The pathos that temporarily went away start rushing back again. The wound that I so naively thought had healed, starts to throb again. The shooting pain through my veins which had stopped knocking the wind out of me has come back in all its glory. And before I even know it, I discover myself lying on the floor. Tears streaming down my cheeks, some of it has found its way through my nose, my expensive eyeliner smeared all over my tshirt that proudly announcing the arrival of winter. GoT silly.

Andddd I am back to my normal self. Again.

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