A Penny for Thoughts

Trust me; I really don’t want to interrupt my stupid rambling, my emotional sloppiness, my immature perception of life, relationship and people around me. But I am hardly getting any time these days. I’m overstressed, under-slept, and under-fed. I have no idea what I am eating or why it is 5 o’ clock in the morning and I am still awake. I am really busy. And I am also tired from obsessing over some important project that has been going on in my life for past couple of months. Whenever I am free, I am either watching FRIENDS or just sitting on the sofa like a jellyfish swooning over Deepika Padukone on various music channels. I hardly have the time and that mental peace to concoct some irrelevant, meaningless topic in my mind and serve here as if the universe’s destiny depends on it. However, there are a few things, neither irrelevant nor imaginary, that I am dying to express my opinion about and (fortunately) I am not on social media, so this is the only place where I can talk about it. Just a warning, all the topics are highly sensitive. No I’m not having PMS.

Intolerant(?) India
Some random guy died in a mass beating somewhere in the country. Honestly, I had never heard the name of the place before. If one follows the news regularly, one is aware that people in India often get killed in mass beating. Long ago our Munnabhai’s darling father had very lucidly explained to us the reason behind this. But this one was a special case. Someone (read The highly efficient Indian media) spread the news (or rumour?) that he was beaten to death owing to his gastronomic weakness over a particular type of meat, which happens to originate from an animal worshipped by a particular community of India. And coincidentally, he belonged from the rival community.  
Ok, I just used the forbidden R word which one is never supposed to use while talking about religions here. Even if you do believe in the context of it and often use it unofficially. I ’m probably going to be labelled as the devil’s (read the PM) advocate. The Sahitya Akademy award winning (pseudo)secular (out of job)activists will probably want to return their old, worn out, ‘holy’ (remember the George-Fred joke?) underwears in protest. Because they have already returned the only award they won for their works that nobody gives damn about.

On the eve of independence, when the whole country was asleep and our ‘great’ leaders were fully awake, preparing to chalk out the plan to permanently screw us from behind, those megalomaniac, conceited, hypocrite men were also busting their asses off to come up with a ‘Suck it, biatch’ move to prove their self-imposed superiority to their just separated rival other half. And hence came the idea of secularism. A country, tormented, ravaged, cut into two pieces owing to the communal turmoil for past years was reborn as a ‘Secular’ country overnight. The fate of India was sealed at that very moment. In coming decades or so, those same leaders would become the father, mother, uncle twice removed etc of our beloved nation. We would be getting national holidays on their birthday, death day, the day they lost their virginity etc. They would become national heroes and martyrs. They would be making policies to eradicate hunger and poverty from India while their sons and daughter would be abroad studying and picking up foreign chicks in their spare time.

 Are you an Indian belonging from the predominant community and you want to prove yourself secular? Go public, curse your own community. Because it’s freaking safe, silly. No one will send terrorists to your office or issue a fatwah for that. Shower your minor counterpart with praise, even if you don’t mean it. Or even if they are not worth it. Voila! You are officially a secular. No one is going to find out that every time you cross Park Circus, you look around you surreptitiously as if you have entered your enemy nation. Or you will rather see your daughter dead than being married to a fellow of that community. Or you secretly believe that every one belonging from that community is a potential terrorist or at least a petty criminal or involved in incestuous relationship with their cousins.
Being secular is synonymous with being the supporter of a particular minor community here. Fyi, there are many other minor religious communities living in India, but no one gives damn about them. Because, well, they are neither terrorist nor ferocious. Secularism, fascism, intolerance are used in India quite generously. Because none of them truly exists here. No one will flog you or throw you into prison for waging war against the nation. India has no Nobel laureate who has once been thrown into prison for raising his voice against the Ruler. No girl has been stoned to death for eloping with her lover. No famous author has been forced to leave India because she revealed the sickeningly communal face of her nation to the whole world. Yes you can freely talk about Babri Masjid or Gujarat riot here. Nobody will shoot you or stab you to death on the street. Even pricks like Ajmal Kasav get super speciality treatment here. Long live the father of nation and his fucking non-violence principle.

Thanks to the poor dead fellow, a lot of out of work B-grade intellectuals have made a fortune already. Also thanks to the tv shows telecasting every day thrashing the ‘evil’ King and his ‘intolerant’ cabinet relentlessly. Being anti-establishment never goes out of style. And if anything sells most in India after sex, then that would be religion.

Recently, a famous film star became quite vocal about this whole issue. And some foolish political leader got a good dose of thrashing on social media due to his ‘lack of respect’ toward that ‘national icon’(holy shit). What the leader rather foolishly forgot that the ‘national icon’ (oh good lord, what has our civilisation come to?) belongs from neither of the two rival communities. His religion is far greater and superior than ours. Money.

Maggi is back
Did anyone see the latest Maggi ad? The woman standing on the balcony and talking about the instant noodle tradition of her clan? Ok I did not know being a good parent depends so crucially on a bowl of instant noodles.

Almost everyone I know is quite ecstatic about the latest lift of ban from Maggi noodles. A fellow blogger wrote on her blog that she was paralyzed with grief when Maggi was banned. I had to control this irresistible urge to ask her whether it was paralyzing effect of grief or of the hoard of lead that she might have accumulated in her system over the years owing to the over consumption of this widely accepted instant noodle that failed to meet the minimum desirable standard. Indians are that rare breed of douche bags who get mad if they are asked to use helmets or to pay environment tax. Indians will support a fellow douche bag who happens to be a convicted criminal just because he is a movie star. The same movie star will go on bragging about the ‘simple’ nature of his fellow Indians in his movie. The movie will be a blockbuster. Audience will go home with wet eyes and a pair of inflated lungs filled with empty air of patriotism and love for their bhai. So it did not surprise me when I saw the general reaction over the Maggi ban issue.
What was my reaction?
When it comes to commitment, I’m a total bitch. As a consumer I belong to the whore group. If one is not available, go for the next best. Or even if one is available, still go for the next best. Well, just for fun. So the sudden unavailability of this particular brand of instant noodles never quite bothered me. On the other hand, I was never quite a fan of instant noodles anyway. Heavily wax polished pack of mass produced dried noodles with a pack of poisonously spicy condiment? No thanks. I can live without it.

Paris attack
I do not want to sound like a conceited wannabe. Believe me I don’t. But my spidey sense (or say my intuitive bitch other half) tickled a lot when I saw the news of Syrian refugees pouring into the prosperous first world nations all over the globe. It was like inviting a plague into the country and also providing it with a permanent citizenship. Firstly, it is highly undesirable as it would inevitably lead to negative socio-economic repercussion. And secondly, who knows what their true intention is. They come from the land where religion is a mass mental disorder. They kidnap and decapitate the ‘evil’, ‘white’ people and post the video of that massacre on the internet. They keep women as their sex slaves. Their kids are equally bloodthirsty and savage. They destroy the heritage sites just because they do not promote their barbaric religious propaganda. And now they have struck again. Hundreds of people are dead, and those who live will carry the trauma for the rest of their lives.
It’s time for our ‘patriotic’ ‘youth icon’ to make another movie on how he belongs from a particular community and that he is not a terrorist.

Every stupid douche bag Indian I know, has changed their social media dp to pictures of the flag of France. I sincerely wish they were dead themselves in that attack. The ISIS would deserve a Nobel Prize for that.

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