Half Century

Almost one and half a year ago, one fine (?) morning I realised that I was a broken woman. I was distraught and utterly depressed. Not the fancy ‘depression’ that we more than often suffer from these days. It was not the kind of depression one feels when one realises one got fat, or when one didn’t have sex in last two months. It was rather the morbid kind of depression that paralyses one’s mind; when one looks ahead but cannot see a future. We, living creatures, are the most fragile things in the universe. Our lives are so uncertain that it can stop at any moment. But we humans, we like to live in denial. We live for the future that may not happen at all. We study hard for the job that will make us rich. We fall in love and dream of happily ever afters. We save for the house that we have plans to buy 5 years later. Everything we do or plan is for some goddamn future point of time that we may not be destined to arrive at. Depression, true clinical depression happens when we lose the objective of living. And during that time, I was one of those people. Depressed, distressed, suicidal. A complete shipwreck. To make things worse, I had no one to share the unbearable burden of pain that I was carrying around every moment of my life. Perhaps I am one those unfortunate people who never really had a best friend. Or perhaps, I am too fucked up to share my insecurities and fears with another human being. Personally, I have never been a great believer in the ‘sharing eases the pain’ theory. I am more of a ‘sharing only stirs up repressed feelings and makes things worse’ person. So I was alone, terribly alone, and I needed to talk. And I needed to vent out at least some part of the buried feelings or else I would have lost my mind. Depression also leads to very low self esteem at times. And I had started doubting myself. I had started doubting the purpose of my existence and my worth. I needed some instant gratification. And no, rebound casual sex has never been my forte.

Hence Rhapsody in Blue was born.

My blog is my happy place, a place where I can feel comfortable being in my own skin. A place where I can feel, think and talk about stuff that are close to my heart. Stuff that make me happy, stuff that infuriate me, stuff that intrigue me. When I created this blog, I did not tell any of my friends. That was a correct decision which I later realised when an incident happened. Once I got carried away and told a very close friend of mine that I had this blog. What he did, he would stalk the blog and then he would call me to make taunting remarks about it. One day I flipped out and told him very strongly that since he was an uncultured, insensitive moron, he should better stop following my blog as I was fed up with his ill-humoured remarks. Well, I can be pretty cruel with my words when I am seriously pissed off. But hey, it’s not my fault. What you will get from me always depends on what I receive from you. It’s as simple as that. Anyway. Till date, almost nobody in my circle knows about my work of genius. Haha, I can be funny too. Funny bitch, actually. I don't even know who follow my blog, if anybody does that at all. And guess what, I like it this way. I like to address my words to a bunch of unknown people. I am not a very good writer, I am below average actually. But that does not mean there is any dearth of thought in my head. And Rhapsody in Blue is still the only way for me to share my crazy thoughts with the rest of the world. But trust me, I am learning to improve. And the process of instant gratification still continues.

Happy fiftieth post to me, to Rhapsody in Blue. I never imagined I would make it this far. And I am happy to say that my blog gave me a purpose to live for. It gave me enough motivation to swim across a deep, cold, vast ocean called life I had once given up on. And hey, I am still swimming. J