An Untitled Post

The best thing about being alone is, you get to reflect a lot, without having the fear of being judged

Just when I thought you couldn't overthink more, huh

However, loneliness is a very normal part of my life nowadays. And I have realised I am becoming more and more reluctant of maintaining meaningless acquaintances that do not serve me emotionally. If one had a closer look at my whatsapp contact list, they would be surprised to see almost 90% of the people there fell into the 'blocked contacts' category. No, I did not block them out of hatred; nor did I do it because I needed plenty of time to wallow in self pity than socialising. I just don't feel the urge to engage myself in unnecessary conversation with people, that's all. I am not complaining, or suggesting that people are evil or that they don't care about me. I know only a few care, rest are just curious. I know I am not an indispensable entity in their lives; they would probably stop missing me from the very next day if I was gone. Nor am I a famous person that they will get paid to mourn me in the media. But that's not exactly my issue. Honestly, do I too really care about them either? No matter how educated or civilized or compassionate we claim ourselves to be, at the end of the day we are nothing but petty selfish humans. We are noble until it does not affect our well being. We discuss death news with burning curiosity and mock sadness with a tinge of guilt feeling as long as the deceased is not someone we deeply care about. We donate one or two bucks in the outstretched expectant hand of the beggar boy not to help him, but to silence the annoying prickling voice of guilt at the back of our head.

Haha how much money did you give to the boy?

None of your business. I do what I can. So many people don't even care that much.

Oh so you think you care? You think you just contributed to the welfare of the society? 

I have my limits. I have other responsibilities. Not that my life is a picnic everyday.

And how much did those pair of shoes cost that you bought the other day?

Oh shut up.

Oh yes. You did your part. You gave the boy two bucks so that you can go on with your selfish self-centered life. Guilt free. *wink*

Shut the fuck up.

My greatest enemy is that little voice in my head. And there's no way getting away from her.
Let's get back to my aversion to socialising. If my memory does not fail me, then as far as I can remember, the last time I logged in to my facebook account was 30th Jan, 2014. I deactivated my account on that day and never felt the urge to go back to that hellhole again. The primary reason of closing it was my messy, shitty heartbreak and my piece of shit ex. I was tired of having my friends sympathising me and some bloody morons hitting on me. Everybody was so eager to know what happened and even more eager to 'help' me. After going through innumerable number of 'help' requests, I felt like asking them, 'Ok fine. Will you come over and help me to hide the body?'

Liar bitch. You ran away from that bloody social networking site because you were scared and jealous and insecure. You were scared of facing your fear. You were jealous of seeing other people happy and boasting about their life. You were insecure of finding out that your asshole ex was now busy celebrating his life. Perhaps he even got a new bitch for himself.

Do you want me to bang my head on the wall until you choose to shut your bloody mouth?

See? You are still afraid of admitting the truth. You are a scared, paranoid, insecure dunghead. You run away from people because you are afraid of exposing your true self to them. You do not enjoy being lonely. You are just a broken piece of shit.

I am going to kill you. I swear.

Whatever maybe the initial reasons of closing that dunghole, now I hate it because of its sheer lack of relevance and standard. These days facebook is nothing but a platform to encourage a curated display of life, which is, obviously fake and stupid. Some people use it to brag about their 'happy' married life. Some like to remind people every moment that they are rich and successful. Some horny bastards use it as a search engine to locate potential mate. As a matter of fact, my shitehead ex had also put a lot of effort to track me down on facebook. If only he had put half that effort to sustain the relationship. But whatever.

I hate to be hit on these days. Period. I hate it more than anything. Whenever there is a guy popping up in my life trying to express their interest, I feel revolted. I feel a gut wrenching urge of throwing up at the slightest sign of flirting. I enjoy humiliating, hurting the person who tries to be affectionate and nice to me. I never knew rejecting a person could give so much sinful pleasure.

Hmm. Your heart is so broken and your ego is so bruised and famished that it likes to feed itself at the remotest possibility of having someone surrendering themselves to you.

Oh. Since when did you become the therapist?

Have I stopped believing in love though? No I have not. I still am a fierce believer in true love and all other romantic crap. I still madly believe in fate and destiny and grand scheme and soul mates. Reading Pride and Prejudice still gives me goosebumps. I still cry my eyes out every time I watch The Notebook or P.S. I Love You. Harry Potter is my Holy Grail. I still go to sleep with a hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
It's hope. And it's faith. It's that fiercely optimistic stubborn part of my existence that has still kept me alive. My optimism is the strongest patronus charm that keep the invisible (we are muggles, right?) dementors at bay.

I think your ex was a dementor too.

I live in a far away mysterious land where reality and fiction overlap each other. I know negative people will call it immaturity or craziness. But I think I am fortunate enough to possess this power to travel back and forth between reality and imaginary world with little or no effort. One of my 'too practical' friend once suggested that I live in denial mode and I am in lot of trouble. Perhaps so, I don't care. Aren't we all living in denial after all? All our effort and struggle to make our lives better- isn't it a constant denial to the very simple fact that, no matter how hard we try, we are all end up being dead. And we don't even know when that's gonna happen.

Remember you got dumped because you overthink?